DRAUPADI

I was young and in my ignorance blinded by vanity
Curiosity was my dearest companion, anger my lover and feminism resided in my soul.
I seemingly hated aristocracy yet my thinking was nothing but patrician
The quality I held up  as my virtue was my uncontrollable tongue, untamed like the rein of a wild horse.

When I was born the voices prophesized I would change the course of history. In my naivety I longed to do so, uncaring of the consequences that would follow.
I believed I was the centre of the universe. Yet I felt unloved and craved for companionship
Th only company I did have was my dear brother dhri and the most enigmatic Krishna.

When i was of marriageable age I often dreamt of being married to arjun, the greatest warrior of the time, was it because I actually loved him or only because of the fame his name carried?
In a sudden moment the ground was swept from under my feet when I instead fell in love with karna.
Finally married to arjun I was positive looking at it as the beginning of a love waiting to blossom
My desires shattered as kunti unjustly thrust upon me her other sons .
My dreams of receiving love lay in ruins.

Yet again resentment filled me when I saw how close Krishna was to my husbands.
I had lived under the illusion that Krishna and I shared a special friendship like none other and envy filled me when my Fantasy exploded.
Like the classic Indian stereotype kunti and I fought for power in the household.
There were secret battles between us. Threatening looks were exchanged invisible to all .

Yudhisthir was by virtue of his age my first husband, his righteousness irritated me. I loathed him at his lack of action during all my hilumiliation
Bheem was madly in love with me and guiltlessly I used him to fulfill my hearts utmost childish desires because I knew I had him enchanted.
The only comfort and genuine welcome I received was from bheesmapitama.
I had kept myself protected from him and yet he squeezed his way into my heart.

Once I became the mistress of palace of illusions I truly transformed into a queen
Confidence came to me naturally replaced by the hesitant awkwardness that ha characterized me all along
I prided myself on my possessions and became indispensable to my husbands in state affairs.
I was blinded by wealth and power and it just fostered more arrogance into my being

Then I suffered the great fall where from the paramour of glory my husband lost everything in a game of dice
While being humiliated in open court trepidation filled me. When I could do nothing else I thought of Krishna
It was at that moment that I grew wiser and my dread vanished
The realization dawned upon me that my situation was not based on my shortcoming but the folly of these so called honorable men

Banished from the kingdom I decided to give up my palatial comforts and accompany my husbands into the forest
No it wasn't because I was a devoted wife, it was so that I could inflict upon them every single day the painful memory of my humiliation so that when the time came they wouldn't hesitate in taking vengeance.
So consumed was I by the hatred and anger that nothing cheered me up.
In my single minded vindictiveness
I unwittingly became the cause of sorrow for all the people around me.

Finally came the day I had awaited For thirteen long years.
Retribution would now be mine yet I underwent all emotions except for joy.
Maybe it was the painful knowledge that my desire for revenge would be the cause of doom for my loved ones

I grew once again, and evolved as a being when the hatred, malice vengeance left my body
All that was left inside of me was a deep hollow and a feeling of unbearable guilt
The irrepressible tongue I had prided myself on all these years became apparent to me as my biggest defect
Yes I had become a better person but only after losing everything that really mattered